*** Please read this apology ****
eHelp is a major company that has been around for a very long time - in that time we may have made mistakes or performed actions that people have perceived as mistakes. It would not be for me to point the first stone or throw the first stick, as they say developers who live in glass houses shouldn't use bad isp connections as they are likely to throw coffee mugs through said glass houses.
eHelp would like to apologize for the First, Second, Fourth and Fifth Ice Ages. The Third Ice Age we have on good legal advice can be attributed to a bug in a Microsoft operating product - please call their helpline for advice on a fix. We, here at eHelp, are all very sorry for the extinction of various species at this time due to those Ice Ages - however as they didn't have opposable thumbs it is unlikely they would have been able to use our products anyway.
Some of you out there seem to believe that eHelp has no respect for technical writers. This is not true! When mulched properly I have always found technical writers to be a brilliant fertilizer for my roses.
eHelp would like to apologize for the Great Fire of London, the LA Earthquakes, and that guy in the blue car who didn't use his indicators when changing lanes and is talking on his mobile phone. He is probably trying to order our latest product, and it is difficult to use your indicators when pressing the "1" button for Help, "2" for credit card buttons....however we are glad he is purchasing a copy of our product as we have managed in the last few days to stir up a lot of antagonism in our targeted selling community.
Some of you out there probably think, or feel, or emote, that ehelp does not care for technical writers. This is so far from the truth that it isn't even in the same zipcode. ehelp feed and shelter many technical writers, assisting them to get over their addictions to fonts and homemade alcoholic beverages. Often we employ technical writers as speed bumps - nothing more likely to get you to slow down in the corporate car park than a rabid technical writer clinging to the your bumper-bar, foaming at the mouth and yelling obscenities about how everything was okay when WordPerfect was around....
eHelp strives to commit to you an apology, or apologies, for the JFK assassination, Man landing on the Moon, and for the introduction of the "New" Coke. The Luna landing we are so deeply sorry about, that once pristine environment now covered in the "wheelies" and "burn-out" of the lunar rover - with Beach Boys playing loudly on the 8-track stereo still..... The "New" Coke seemed like a great idea - pity it tasted like - no you are right your firewalls wouldn't let that word through...however the "New" Coke decision does rank up there with our latest email!
Some of you out there - beyond my screen, or maybe you are in my screen, little technical writers running around arranging the pixels on my words - think we don't care for you. That is not true, as with any symbiotic relationship, in order for the non-host bug to survive the host must be kept alive as the non-host feeds on the host. Think of the technical writing community as a host - and we as - oh I am sure you can think of something....just don't say it out loud for we have lawyers.
eHelp would lie to apologize for William Shakespeare, Joyce, Tom Stoppard, even that J.K.Rowlings woman. As all of your writing shall be measured against them for either critical or commercial success. Oh and for J.R.R - we all know you have a great fantasy novel in you - but is it really going to match The Lord of The Rings. We commissioned that - was meant to be a developer's expose on Unix daemons - but as I've never read anything except our own press releases, which say what a fine job we are doing, I can't say so personally.
I hope this clears up a few facts, or creates some, or distracts others whilst Louie my nimble-fingered henchman lifts your wallet.
regards and thanks,
Sean O'Donoghue-Hayes
*** Errata:
In paragraph three: replace the words "technical writers" with "daffodils"
In paragraph five: replace the words "technical writers" with "Rottweilers"
**** These views are intended as humorous - and are those of the writer, and not of anybody else. And not of the writer's employer. If you disagree with these views, please email me. I do enjoy reading adult joined up writing*